The Real Folks Blues|
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|Wednesday, November 5th, 2008|
|Obama won. All I can say is WOW
Obama has just been elected president. It still hasn't hit me yet. But I was inspired enough to know that I needed to mark this ocassion. Hence the journal.
On this monumental night, I am not out celebrating with friends. I am not celebrating on a college campus. I am not celebrating in a stadium full of people. No, I am here at my house with my Grandparents. My grandmother is 74, and my grandfather is 79. I can talk about my experience growing up Black in this country, and the struggles I have faced, but whatever I encountered, the two of them had it 80 times worse. They have told me stories of their mistreatment living in the South that have made my blood boil. They have been called every name you can think of multiple times over their life span, and treated like dirt because of what the looked like.
That's why it means so much to me that this happened within their life times. So they can see their struggles meant something.
I am just very proud to be here, in this moment, with these two incredible people. I feel very grateful. And maybe, just a little hopeful
I feel like huggin somebody
|Thursday, March 27th, 2008|
|I was two orgasms short of a great day…
I got to work early like I usually do so that I could walk around and enjoy this day before I had to suffer some more under the fluorescent lights. My campus used to be a school for deaf children. They have only fixed up about 1/5 of the place. So there are all these creepy abandoned buildings behind mine. They have huge glass windows, and are completely bare on the inside except for an occasional Disney character, or a clown or something like that on the walls. Beyond that are two dilapidated playgrounds. One’s made of wood, and looks more deadly than fun. The other is more colorful, modern looking, but is now covered in spider’s webs and leaves and god knows what else. Beyond all of that, are the fields. A baseball field, which is in surprisingly good shape, and a soccer field in similar condition. Last but not least is the abandoned greenhouse in the middle of the tennis court of all places. All the plants inside have long since died, except for the grass and weeds which are slowly making it their own space. All these sights are connected by a conveniently placed nature trail.
While I take my hour long walk, I am listening to my new favorite Transman spoken word artist, Katzs, AKA The Athens Boy’s Choir. As I ingest his words, I can literally feel my mind expanding. It’s better than LSD, or so I assume. It feels to be about 70-75 degrees outside. The wind picks up, and I kneel down to pick up a dandelion. Instead of blowing off the little puffy seed things, I pick them all off with one grab and just let them fly in the wind. As I watch them fly away, I realize that in that moment, that small brief satisfying moment, that is the best I have felt in a long, long, long time. That’s why I had to write about it. Moments of true contentment are so fleeting. I know I can’t stay in those moments, because I have a job to go to, papers to write, people to connect with, a life to live. But, that doesn’t mean I can’t remember it when my world doesn’t seem so…sunny
It’s the little things, you know?
|Monday, June 26th, 2006|
This has not been a good weekend at all. In fact it has been especially crappy. It starts off with the disappearance of my cell phone, and ends with being humiliated in front of a small, small church congregation.
It's the first time in a long time I felt like I had to say something on this thing, but I think typing this out will help, and that is the purpose of this thing anyway.
My uncle says he is called by God to start a church. My family (extended on mother's side) thinks this is a great idea, and pitch in to help him. My aunt (his wife) is my boss at the preschool where I work, and she decided that until the congregation got be enough that it need it's own place, that service could be held at the preschool. So I am roped into this whole circus from day one. I now have a bloody 6 day work week. Which I might not mind if I enjoyed going to church in any way shape or form. And I guess this is the meat of the whole thing, the way I feel about religion and church.
Despite the use of religion to be the excuse of countless atrocities in human history, I still don't think religion, Christianity specifically to be a bad thing. It gives people hope, and is really the source of strength for a lot of people I know. It gives people purpose and drive and makes them become better people. Sometimes. And a lot of the broader principles of Christianity in most of it's varying forms, I agree with, i.e. peace, charity etc. of course the specific beliefs is where I get iffy.
So I just steered clear of church all together almost completely since my freshman year of high school. Not that that set well with my oh so devout family, but this is the only real complaint that had about me so they weren't too aggressive about it until now. Now it is a family obligation. So here I find myself on a Sunday morning in the same building I can’t wait to get away from Monday through Friday trying very hard to pay attention and get something out of the whole experience besides wishing I were some where else. I try not to let this come across in my body language or overall demeanor, but I suspect some of these leaks through, which is why a lot of the preacher's comments were directed towards me.
Well, that and there are only 10 other people in the congregation, besides me, two of them being musicians, a three of them little children, and all of them regular church folk since I can remember with nice happy homes. So yeah, these words are about me. Especially the parts about people sitting in churches with unsaved souls and stone-hearts, and God healing broken families and sibling relationships. Yeah that wasn't an obvious one. And that makes me feel more pissed than you can imagine. I just feel so uncomfortable, which is the main reason I stopped going to church all those years ago. Being a little kid, I don't know what's going on, I just went with it. but as I got older, I and started to really think about the things I was being taught in church, the rituals and the scriptures, I just …didn't like it. I didn't agree with a lot that was being said, I still don't. I never left church feeling good or inspired like everyone else seemed to. I was just bored and unhappy. Just sitting in those pews with the loud music, week after week and not feeling anything but contempt for the whole exercise more and more just made me feel fake.
That's what I was doing, just faking it. Going because it made others happy. But that's not what spirituality is all about. It's not about putting on a show for others which I saw a lot especially at this church, but it's a personal…thing, something you do for yourself. So I stopped going, and felt a lot better about it. Until now, where I am back in the same position before, except by this time, I really know better. Pressure is not the only reason I attend, although that's 85% of the reason. I really respect my uncle and he is very passionate about this, and wants to help people not only through his ministry, but through charity work as well.. My aunt and the rest of my family have always been really good to me. They are the only reasons I stayed feed when I was in London. And I know that they only want to share with me the thing that has brought them so much "peace to their souls" and so many "blessings". Christianity, the church is a part of everything they do, and they feel that a person who does not have the same thing does not have a life worth living. My words, not theirs. I have tried to get into it, I really have, and I still keep an open mind now to a degree. Okay, who am I kidding? I have not totally… I hesitate to use the phrase "deprogrammed myself" because it sounds like I was in a cult or something,, but it's hard not believe at least some of the stuff people have been teaching you all your life. Bottom line is, as much as I don't want to admit it, I do think there is a hell, and I am afraid of going there. I mean, that's pain and suffering FOREVER. FOREVER damn-it! And according to the Christian Bible, that's where I am heading. Of course, the Koran says the same thing, which just confuses me further about what I should do.
I want whatever spirituality I develop, if it develops, to happen on its own, without feeling pressure from others as to what direction I should go in, especially if I have pretty much ruled that one option out for myself a while ago. Current Mood: Hot
Deep breath in...Deep breath out. Ahhh
|Sunday, April 23rd, 2006|
|The Hard Goodbye
My LAst entry from the UK. Not gonna lie, it hurts a little bit, but I will be back one day, possibly as soon as I graduate.
I don't really want to write about what I have done, or reflect on it. I dont want to feel anything right now, especially not regret. never regret.
If I keep starting sentences with "When I was in London", feel free to hit me in the face. I do not want to be that guy.
A big chapter in my life is closing,and another one starts at 9:25 US time. Naturally I am apprhensive, but it is time. I've had the time of my life here, and I could not have asked for a better experience.
Here's to making my life in the Boro just as great Current Mood: scared
|Saturday, March 25th, 2006|
|My First creative use of whip cream
I have just gotten over being the sickest I have ever been in my life. Thank god for Laurie. She’s my angel. Good news is, I can move around and talk now, and I have to make up for 2 and a half sick days in London. My time here is so short, I just cant waste any of it.
Last night, even though I wasn’t at 100% health, I saw Henry Rollins. If you don’t know who that is, you should. He is a great comedian, and a master story teller. He’s a bit crude, but that’s how they all are nowadays.
Earlier this week, I went with one of the girls from California to the airport. She got her bag stolen while she was in Madrid. It contained all her credit cards, her passport, her money, digital camera, and journal. The journal was the worst, because she was so avid about keeping up with it. You can replace everything else except memories. I never expected something like that to happen to that girl. She is so ontop of thing. Damn Gypsies. I also didn’t know there was such a problem with Gypsies in Europe, but apparently they are. But I digress.
Laurie suggested we make Dinner for her, so we went to Brixton and got ingredients to make beer-can chicken, which is just what it sounds like. I provided the music while the three of us cooked and had a good time. The meal was legend, complete with shots of faux Bailey’s followed by whipped cream. Did I mention it was St Patrick’s Day? After the meal, Laurie and I went for a few pints at the Glouster Arms which is right down the street. I didn’t want to go to far from home. People get drunk really early, and they get violent soon there after. So I was actually back home by 11:00, stuffed and slightly tipsy. If only every Holiday could be spent as such.
I had to say good bye to the rest of the California kids yesterday. I will miss them, but I will hopefully go see them after I graduate. I have at least 8 places I can stay.
It has been true British weather for a while now, grey and rainy. Today is different. It’s the first sunny day I have had in a while, and I am going to take full advantage of it. I’m gonna go watch boat races.
-Trae Current Mood: chipper
|Monday, March 6th, 2006|
|Codliver Oil and the orange juice
If you had asked me last March what i would be doing a year ago from today, i would not have been anywhere near close. I just got back from another trip, and I am all traveled out for a while. I have so much to say, and so far I have been writting it all down. i'd love to type it all here, but i have a paper due in a few hours so it will have to wait till wednesday. the short hand version is
Spain is great
Scotland was better
London is the best
Damn I love life Current Mood: drained
|Friday, January 27th, 2006|
|I want to steal this
Ten songs that I am really into right now:
Jill Scott "The Way"
Jamiroquai "Seven Sunny Days in June"
Hot Hot Heat "Middle of Nowhere"
Damien Marley "The Master has Come Back"
Regina Spektor "Your Honor"
Teitur "Sleep with the Lights On"
Portishead "Only You"
Coldplay "I Saw Sparks"
Massive Attack "Teardrop" (The Theme to House)
Brendan Benson "Cold Hands, Warm Heart"
Yoko Kanno and the Seatbelts "The Real Folks' Blues" (my favorite song of all time) Current Mood: busy
|Mind the Gap Ya'll
My classes suck. I decided that today. Especially my Islam class. Damn I hate it. On top of the fact that it is 3 ½ hours long, there are only 7 people total, including me and the professor, and they aren’t rude to me per say, but the wont talk to me. They all know each other from school. And this normally would bother me except I had a midterm this morning and I like to study with other people. And I made this know to the group, but they were all like” oh, I only study by myself”. Then after the test I am hear how they were all up late last night studying. Together. That pissed me off, as did the fact that I had a midterm after being in school for three weeks, and I know I would have done better if I had studied with some one else. Whatever.
But while I’m on the subject, there are some other people in this program that I really do not care for. There is a group from California that look and act like they belong on the OC. I know this sounds weird, but they don’t really talk to people who aren’t good looking like they are, myself included. I take that back. They will talk to me if one of their own kind is not around. This was very apparent one night when we went to a place called Tiger Tiger. Boring and unimportant story. The important part is, they suck, the beyotches in my Islam class suck, and The Islam Class itself sucks. But again I say whatever. It’s over now. It’s not like I’m here to study anyway.
I feel very much at home now. I finally got riding the tube down, and I have figured out the buses, which makes me feel really accomplished.
I have made it my mission to never be bored while I am here, so I have been going places and seeing sights everyday, sometimes twice a day. And I still love every moment. Next week I find out where my internship will be, which I am very unexcited about. I am off to Stonehenge in the morning.
For the longest time I felt like I was waiting for the next stage of my life to begin, but I think I have finally caught up with myself. This feels very right.
( This is what I have been up to for the past two weeks. Read it when you have an afternoon freeCollapse )
Current Mood: happy
|Wednesday, January 11th, 2006|
|Light will TRY TO guide you home...
I began making a conscious effort to talk to more people. I really like the people I have meet so far from California. It’s kinda weird because I can see parts of my friends at home in them. Maybe that’s just me being sentimental.
( okay, I liedCollapse )
Current Mood: chipper
|Saturday, January 7th, 2006|
|Wool Hats and Long Coats
My mom and grandma drove me to the charlotte international Airport and waited with me for a while. Thankfully there were no tears from them, certainly not from me. I was too...entranced I suppose is a good word. I was waiting desperately for that feeling of excitement. That didn’t come till much later.
( They won't all be this longCollapse )
Current Mood: curious
|Monday, December 12th, 2005|
|All the news that's unfit to print
The worst is over now. as much as i bitched and complained about this semester, as many times as i wanted to throw myself under an SUV, as mant nights i sat awake staring at a computer screen feeling like my eyes would fall out, I am still here. i wonder if this is how i will look back at every stressful event? 'oh, that was it? that was nothing'. i like this feeling a lot.
My roomate left today for Georgia and I won't see him again till the middle of next year. i wish i had written more about him. he's a cool funny guy. I'd like to go to his wedding one day.
this weekend I went to hannah's house for joe's unofficaial birthday party. It went EXACTLY like i thought it would. it's nice to see that things don't change while you aren't there. sometimes.
I am excited to see who comes home for Christmas this year. Some catching up is in order Current Mood: rushed
|Friday, December 2nd, 2005|
I realize that i have trust issues. i am working on it. but then, something like this happens and i just prove myself right. this is faulty thinking ofcourse, but i cant help it at the moment. the good news i have calmed down a bit. a good nights sleep has helped this. i will continue to live in my drama free exsitense, because i am enlightend damnit.
in other more specific news, i am both more excited and more apprhensive about London. not just that, but what ever is next. classes are almost over, and i feel a huge load lifting off my back. soon i will be able to chill in a cold enviornment with some hot chocolate and some christmas music. for some strange reason, i really want to hear christmas music this year. that might be Gabby's influence.
Thats all for now Current Mood: disappointed
|Thursday, November 3rd, 2005|
A lot of my good pictures from Halloween were too dark to print, which i am quite pissed about. I still salvaged some interesting ones, though not the one of the giant penis. oh well, there's always next year. Current Mood: awake
|Monday, October 24th, 2005|
|Life after Brown
I went up to Brown Unversity to "visit for graduate school end quote. Why is that in quotes? I'll let you come to your own conclusions.
I stayed with Gabby, and her roomate. I got to meet all her Brown friends, who were cool. You know, there were so many attractive people at that school. I would say atleast 85%. It was weird and cool at the same time, and I really like the school, and they have REALLY REALLY REALLY nice laundry rooms, and the whole experience was good for me, but...I want more. and i hope i get it.
History repeats itself in ways that i used to think were unexpected, and I am starting to notice the patterns. After a long enough time, I will be able to see into the future. Good for me Current Mood: Clairvoiant
|Wednesday, October 12th, 2005|
|Share and Enjoy
I just came from a concert in the underground. some people called tartufi i think. Fun stuff. Before that, I saw Born into Brothels with the guilford film society. i think i am amemeber now. anyway, the film was awsome. one of those eye openers. it put things in perspective for me, especially since the film's themes apply to stuff that goes on here. it was just a good film.
I also found my halloween costume in a thrift store today. pictures will be posted.
as for life in general...it has been okay. pretty damn good at some points, and really crappy in the others. there's more good than bad. i have started to try and work on the not so good things when i know i shouldnt. i proved that saturday
College life has gotten better. I am gathering some of those life long memories that i hear people talk so much about. really good ones too.
I realized today that i have to start applying for graduate school soon. that scared the shit out of me. i just got here! i didnt realize college was more than just classes. well, i knew but not the way i do now. i'll be at guilford such a short time, which will be cut even shortter because of next semester. i'm not sure if i want to leave so soon.
I'm a rabbit in your headlights
Washed down the toliet
Money to burn
Fat bloody fingers are sucking your soul away... Current Mood: contemplative
|Sunday, October 2nd, 2005|
My computer is gone, again, and it tried to take my beautiful music machine with it.
But i said NO, and it let go. i had to hack into my ipod, which was surprisingly simple, and copy all my music from there to my computer, then put it all back on the ipod after i reset it to factory setting, whatever that means. that was the last thing it did before it died
I saw my family yesterday, and I actually wanted to for a change. After i saw Crash again, i just wanted to. i love my little cousin Joya. she is my favorite person in the world.
I got home early to go to the international dance, but i accidentally fell asleep. i suck at being in college.
I am still waiting, but at the moment, i am content. my locus of control is shifting, which i dont like very much, but it happens. might make for one very interesting life Current Mood: curious
|Tuesday, September 27th, 2005|
My Ipod crashed this morning. I want to kill something Current Mood: What do you think!
|Saturday, September 10th, 2005|
|Sometimes You Can't Make It, On Your Own
Yesterday, i hung out with the boys for a while before they disappeared on me. then i went up to the international house and hung with them for a while. After that i briefly went to a screening of Pirates of the Caribbean. Then I watched Anchor Man is Tristan’s room. He went to bed so me and Seth walked down to the apartments. There was some kind of party going on, and there were people playing this weird modern/medieval music. We didn’t stay long, though I wish I had now. I got up early this morning and went to the gym. Now I am all sore, but in a good way.
Oh, by the way, I am in college now. But up until yesterday, I had not been enjoying much of it. And it wasn’t that yesterday was such a great day either. It just wasnt…blah.
My roommate is cool, and to my surprise, he is not Amish. I don’t really have any complaints yet. It used to bother me that he had girls in our room all the time, which was especially irritating after I came back from the shower, but I do the same thing now, so it’s all good. We talk, which I think is good. He is a pretty interesting guy.
Classes are okay, although I will be glad when this semester is over.
I haven’t met that many new people that I really click with yet, but this is slowly changing. I met this cool girl yesterday at the international house, and me her and Irving went to the Co-op thing in Mary Hobbs. She was a U2 fan, and I mentioned i liked some of thier stuff, and she bought me some tea. Something called a Chai Yai Yai. It would have been good even if it wasnt free.
I want to join some club or some other non profit organization. Just as long as they don’t work with children.
I do know one thing though. I have been a good boy long enough. Next Friday I am going to enjoy my college experience to the fullest.
Only a few more hours till Coldplay. Yes…this feels right. Current Mood: excited
|Wednesday, August 10th, 2005|
|All the, small things
Mike Jones Mike Jones Mike Jones Mike Jones Mike Jones Mike Jones Mike Jones Mike Jones. Because it I felt like it had'nt been said enough already.
Time for Reverse order entry. Yesterday, I caught up with Aleks for the first time in forever. She has just about convinced me about where i am going to study abroad. And I got my Hellboy DVD.
I haven't had a good nights sleep in about a week now. I keep having dreams that wake me up at odd times. I get up and walk around like a zombie from lack of sleep. this started right before i left for the week end.
After Thursday night at gabby's house ( I forgot how to use a door knob, but just for a second)I drove home early Friday morning, and packed for my trip. Kelly picked me up and me, her Randy and Naquita left for Roseboro, NC. I had never heard of this place, and for good reason. their major claim to fame is that they have a Wal Mart...in the next city over. but this is where Kelly's Uncle lives, so this is where they decided to hold their family reunion. I didnt want to go, but i did anyway to be a good friend. So the good and the bad.
-Food was baggin
-I am getting a lot better at playing spades
-We snuck into a swimming pool at night and went swimming
-I am more comfortable being naked in front of other people
-i went to church for the first time in years, and it wasnt that bad
-Kelly's car has ants...wtf?
-Had to endure lots of boring smut talk. three days worth. this was probably one of the worst things
-They put me to work watching kids at the reunion, as if i dont get enough of that every other day. those were some little spoiled bad ass kids
-Kelly's brother Craig showed up to the reunion with no money, so Kelly's mom said him and his girlfriend could stay in our room. so there were 6 people and 2 beds. Guess who slept on the floor. interestingly enough, later that night, Craig and his gf bought $40 worth of hard liquor. i guess that money was just for emergencies.
-The whole town smelled like Elephant ass the entire time I was there.
-When we came back from swimming, Kely disocvered Craig's skeet all over Randy and Naquita's bed. i was both disgusted and amused, bc I was sleeping on the floor anyway. His gf was in the bathroom when we made this discovery, and ran out of the room from embarassment.
I am so glad to be home, and i eagerly await my last day at the pre-school. I will have a whole week to relax before school starts back.
Yes, Trae is having the Best Summer Ever Current Mood: good
|Saturday, July 23rd, 2005|
|Slight Change of Heart
in my abnormal psychology class, one of the first things my teacher tried to get us to do was to think critically, that is, start questioning the unquestioned. Her example was, "why marriage?" me being 17 and a senior in high school, I had never put much thought into the question, I just knew I wanted to do it. I didnt know why, I just did. So after putting some more thought into it, I became all anti-marriage. The whole idea seemed so unattractive to me.
Today, I just got back from a wedding. A family friend's daughter. I was my mom's escort. It was a great time, great food, got to see some family. Anyway, while i was watching the ceremony, watching the bride and groom, I came to realize that maybe the whole marriage things is not such a horrible idea at all. It might work for them. Granted I know absolutly nothing about their relationship, but they make it look like it will work. I guess what i am trying to say is, I no longer am in the marriage sucks, don't do it club (sorry Aleks). I'm still not to sure about me though....
Now for some wine and live music. well, I'll have the live music anyway Current Mood: full